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When Marriage Wasn’t Modeled | by Alexandra Kuykendall

I wasn’t sure how it was supposed to go. Any of it. The morning kisses. The talks about money. The decisions around kids. Maybe no one does. But my understanding of marriage was gleaned from those I watched from afar. And movies. One wasn’t an intimate insight and the other was a fictitious one.

I grew up in a single–mother home. So as I entered marriage I didn’t bring negative patterns I needed to rewire like many do. I simply had no patterns at all from which to draw. I stood at the altar knowing I wanted to have a companion for life and God had given me the best one. But there was no blueprint of how it would or could play out. True for all of us to some degree. But more so I suspect for those like me, than those who were raised within the context of a healthy marriage.

So how does one push forward, especially on the hard days, when you can’t picture parents or grandparents who made it work? Or at least who made it work in a way you’d like to emulate? When there is no legacy on which you build? Where do you turn when your recall of how mom and dad did it draws a blank?

Eighteen years I’ve been working on this. Whether you entered marriage with no model, or you want your marriage to look different than the one you were raised under, here are a few key strategies to finding your way:

  • Unearth Role Models. So your parents couldn’t model a healthy, vibrant marriage for you, who can now? Look for couples within your extended family, friend circles, church community, those real life people who are making marriage work. Observe how they live and talk to them about it. About what communication and compromise look like. About how to survive the hard phases. About partnership and trust. Glean as much as you can from those around you who are willing to be honest about their own journeys.
  • Look for Truth. Though the best fiction stories are based on truth, television, movies, and novels are still make-believe. So what is true? About you, your spouse, and your circumstances? Start there. What is true about the marriage relationship in general? God’s stories and instruction in the Bible are timeless. The book of Proverbs is a great place to start on practical ways to live life in marriage and beyond. Use this book, and the entire Bible, as a life manual and your marriage will certainly strengthen.
  • Pray. Marriage is intended to be a holy union, two souls making a promise to honor God through their relationship until death separates. But our human, fallible nature often (okay, usually) gets in the way. When we pray for our marriage, we are asking for God’s help to make this holy union a reality. I pray for my own heart above all other things. Because I know how much divine intervention it can use. I pray for all aspects of my husband’s life, not just our relationship, because I am meant to be his best helper in all things. I ask God to fill in the gaps. When words fail me I can always pray a meager, “Help!” Help me. Help him. Help us!
  • Celebrate. So your own parents’ story had its twists. The good news is you and your husband can live a different plotline. We can offer our children a foundation for what it looks like when two imperfect people come together and make a life. This is what marriage is after all. God gives us the freedom to decide how that coming together looks. That is something we can celebrate. And commemorate milestones. When you make it through something, another year of marriage or a disagreement, celebrate your relationship. Not to mention it’s super fun to applaud someone you love. So celebrate each other too. I’ve yet to find a couple who over-celebrates.

With special thanks to MOPS International, on whose blog this post first appeared.

Alexandra Kuykendall lives in Denver with her husband Derek and their four daughters. She is the author of The Artist’s Daughter and Loving My Actual Life, and co-hostess of The Open Door Sistherhood Podcast. Her newest book, Loving My Actual Christmas, released in 2017. You can connect with her at AlexandraKuykendall.com.

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