“Marriage can be heaven, and marriage can be hell.” -Dan Allender

Anyone who is married knows that marriage can reach the extremes of human experience, and sometimes even in the same day. It’s the lab in which we grow personally, and where we grow together. It’s also the place where everything can fall apart.

Today Dan Allender of The Allender Center joins us to explore the transformative power of marriage, particularly in midlife. He talks about the deep work of understanding one another’s stories, the role of trauma in relationships (even if you feel like you don’t have any), and the necessity of dealing with emotional triggers.

Dan is both funny and deeply inspiring. He is an expert at the top of his field, and also the first one to reveal and share what he is experiencing in his own imperfect marriage.

You will gain insight into the complexities of relationships, the importance of change-agents in marriage, the dynamics of conflict resolution, and come to a fresh understanding of how fighting for marriage is deeply spiritual work.

LISTEN TO THE EPISODE

On iTunes or watch it here:

SOME THINGS YOU HEARD ON THE SHOW:

The Deeply Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Healing, Intimacy, and Delight by Dan Allender and Steve Call

Unwanted by Jay Stringer

website-Dan Allender

Quotes from the episode:

35% of divorces are “gray divorces,” meaning they involve couples 50 years of ago and older.

Our brains have the power to change, but only by engagement deeply within what we’ll call our right hemisphere, our emotional portions.

If there is not a fabric of forgiveness, then we are in deep waters without a paddle.

Difference is where almost all conflict begins.

70 % of the conflict in marriage does not have a right answer.

You grow in trust by the capacity to deal with conflict, not to resolve, but to a deepened understanding. And to a deepened understanding allows us to allow difference to continue to occur.but without either the fear or the judgment that’s often there.

I hope the sense of having work to do is kind of like, I get to put my foot on the neck of evil here. Hell no, I do not want something that has lingered in my body and my heart and my mind to continue to shape something of how I respond to the future.

QUESTIONS TO HELP YOU RISE

1. What part of your story can you re-engage with your spouse in order to work toward greater healing? Hint: think about what triggers you.
2. What part of your spouse’s story can you re-engage?
3. If 70% of all arguments don’t have a “right answer,” how can you adjust how you’ve been approaching a conflict area with your spouse?
4. The change agents Dan lists in his book are humility, honesty, kindness, curiosity, defiance, and an intention to bless. What one is most needed right now in your marriage?
5. How can you “stand on the neck of evil” and push past a particularly difficult part of your marriage?

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